Why We Keep Postponing Joy (and How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness)

Shane Warren
Jun 1
4 min read

Updated: Sep 2

Why We Keep Postponing Joy (and How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness)

Let me ask you something: when was the last time you actually did something you love? Not the “scroll Instagram in bed while promising you’ll start yoga again tomorrow” kind of love. I mean the real stuff, the painting class, the catch-up with a friend who makes you laugh-snort, the long-overdue movie night, the hobby that lights you up.

If you’re hesitating… congratulations, you’re human.

Here’s the psychological quirk: the longer it’s been since we’ve done something joyful, the more likely we are to delay doing it again. Yes, you read that right. The more starved we are for joy, the more we tell ourselves: “Not yet. I’ll wait until it’s extra special.”

It’s like turning down a slice of cake because you want to wait for… an even cakier cake?

The Trap of “Waiting for Special”

Researchers Dr Linda Hagen and Dr Ed O’Brien put a spotlight on this maddening pattern. They found that people, whether it’s reconnecting with a friend, returning to a favourite hobby, or even doing something as simple as writing a gratitude note; tend to delay joyful activities when it’s been a long time since they last did them.

Why? Because we raise the bar.

We convince ourselves that after all this time, it has to be amazing. That catch-up coffee with an old mate? It can’t just be coffee it has to be life-changing, cinematic, cue-the-soundtrack stuff. And of course, the bigger we make it in our heads, the scarier it becomes too actually just… do it.

Happiness on Hold

This is how it plays out:

Haven’t seen your mate in six months? You put off messaging them because you want to plan the “perfect” catch-up.
Haven’t touched your guitar in a year? You keep waiting for a free weekend to “really” dive back in.
Haven’t danced since 2020? You wait for the “right” party, outfit, or mood.

Meanwhile, the gap grows. The pressure builds. The joy stays locked in the cupboard like your unused gym membership card.

Its self-sabotage disguised as planning for the perfect moment.

The Infinite Postpone Button

The danger here is obvious: if we keep waiting for the “right time,” we may end up waiting forever.

Hagen and O’Brien describe it as a vicious cycle: the longer the gap, the higher the expectations. The higher the expectations, the more we delay. The more we delay, the longer the gap. Rinse and repeat… until joy becomes something we think about rather than something we experience.

It’s like trying to board a train that keeps being rescheduled: “Not this one, the next one will be better.” Except spoiler alert eventually, the station closes.

But What If It’s Awkward?

Part of the hesitation comes from fear: What if it’s not as good as I remember?

What if the friend and I don’t click anymore?
What if I’m rusty at the hobby?
What if the restaurant isn’t worth the hype?

The irony? Research shows we consistently underestimate how much joy we’ll feel when we finally do the thing. That friend you’ve been avoiding messaging. Odds are, they’ll be delighted to hear from you. That hobby. You’ll probably slip back in with a mix of nostalgia and relief. The joy comes not from perfection, but from participation.

Enter: The Kindness & Gratitude Loop

Now here’s where we can weave in two of my favourite human superpowers: kindness and gratitude.

Think of joy as an act of kindness to yourself. Every time you stop waiting and just do the thing, you’re saying: “I deserve this now, not someday.”

And gratitude? That’s the aftertaste of joy. You see it most clearly in one of Hagen & O’Brien’s experiments: students who wrote a quick gratitude note to a friend felt instantly happier than those who chose to do something dull. But those who had waited the longest to reconnect were least likely to write the note.

In other words, the longer you wait, the more likely you are to deny yourself both the joy of the act and the gratitude it creates.

So, What’s the Fix?

Here’s the truth: you don’t need to wait for joy to be special. Joy is special because you did it.

Start small:

Send the message.
Pick up the guitar, even if you just strum two awkward chords.
Go for the walk, even if it’s only around the block.
Book the coffee, even if it’s just 20 minutes between errands.

The trick is to strip the return of its grand expectations. No fireworks required. Just the human act of re-engaging.

It’s Later Than You Think

This all reminds me of that old Guy Lombardo song:

“Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.Enjoy yourself, while you’re still in the pink.The years go by, as quickly as you wink.Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.”

Guy Lombardo -- Enjoy Yourself, It's Later Than You Think

The science agrees: stop waiting for the perfect moment. Perfect is overrated. Participation is where the joy lives.

So, here’s your challenge: what’s the thing you’ve been putting off because you want it to be “special”? Do it this week. Imperfectly. Quietly. Joyfully. Because the circus doesn’t come to town twice.